Trust Is an Inside Job

Finding steadiness when the ground beneath you shifts

Trust is rarely the headline issue when someone comes to see me.

They’re usually focused on something external — a next chapter, a professional or personal crossroads, a decision about which path to take, whether to change careers, step more fully into leadership, or end a relationship.

They want to know:

Is it safe to move forward?
Will it work?
Will I get what I’m hoping for?

Yet what I’ve learned to listen for beneath all of that is a quieter inquiry…

Do I trust myself?
And do I trust life enough to stay open when the path is uncertain?

Most people assume trust will come when the external world becomes more predictable.

When the decision is clearer.
When the outcome feels guaranteed.
When other people behave in reliable ways.

But trust does not begin outside of us.

Trust is an inside job.

It lives in our capacity to stay present with ourselves.
To remain receptive.
To stay connected to the quiet intelligence of the body, even when something difficult or unexpected is unfolding.

Trust does not remove uncertainty.
It changes our relationship to it.

It doesn’t mean things feel easy. Trust does not remove challenge, loss, or vulnerability.

It simply means that, in the midst of whatever arises, we are not abandoning ourselves.

We stay.

And in staying, we begin to discover that trust was never something we had to manufacture — it was something that emerges naturally when we are present enough to listen, grounded enough to feel, and open enough to meet life as it unfolds.

Sometimes, this becomes most visible in the moments when the ground beneath us begins to shift.

---

A few years ago, the stability I had quietly relied on — my established work, my familiar patterns, my sense of professional ground and income — began to dissolve beneath me.

I had been coaching corporate clients and running leadership programs for several years, working virtually after a series of moves that led me away from my long-term practice in California. The corporate work was interesting, fulfilling, and seemingly stable. It gave me a sense of steadiness as I was beginning a new chapter in Colorado.

Then, within a period of four months, it unraveled. Corporate budget cuts to leadership development programs. One company closing its doors entirely.

My chest felt tight, as though there wasn’t enough air in the room.

My first reaction was panic.

Sleep became difficult.
A persistent knot settled in my stomach.
My mind searched for certainty — for a plan, for reassurance, for anything that would help me feel in control again.

I wanted solid ground back beneath my feet.
I wanted security.
I wanted proof that I would be okay.

Yet there was also a quieter part of me that knew acting from panic would only narrow what was possible. Trying to force safety would not create something aligned or sustainable.

Striving for stability began to feel like squeezing myself into something that didn’t fully fit — all for a sense of temporary security. And after losing that seeming security blanket, I was reminded of something deeper: nothing is truly stable. The nature of life is change. And when I soften instead of contract, I see more possibilities.

So I did something counterintuitive.

I slowed down.

Instead of scrambling to secure the next opportunity, I turned inward. I focused on regulating my nervous system. On walking, breathing, listening. On finding my ground internally before searching for it externally.

At first, it felt uncomfortable — almost irresponsible. My anxious mind wanted action. My body felt tight and contracted.

But in the moments when I stopped fighting the uncertainty — even briefly — I noticed something important.

I was still here. I was breathing.
I was standing.
I was capable of meeting what was in front of me.

As I stayed with myself, something internally began to reorganize.

My anxiety softened.
My curiosity returned.
My thinking became clearer.

I began to feel an inner steadiness — not the bravado of overriding my anxiety, but a grounded confidence.

I could hear my own voice again. Not the voice of fear, but a remembrance of my gifts, my work, and what I genuinely love — supporting and guiding others through transition.

From that place, enthusiasm began to fuel me as I oriented toward creating work that resonated more deeply, rather than simply recreating what had been.

My nervous system was learning it did not need certainty to remain here — or to orient toward what was next.

And from that place, a deeper trust resurfaced — not as a concept, but as an embodied knowing.

---

This is how trust develops.

Not through guarantees, but through experience.

Each time we stay present with something difficult instead of abandoning ourselves, something strengthens within us.

Our nervous system learns:

I can handle this.

When the nervous system is regulated — even partially — everything shifts.

We see more clearly.
We listen more deeply.
We respond from steadiness instead of reacting from fear.

We can meet the unknown like a leader sitting at the conference table without all the answers, yet grounded enough to listen, discern, and take the next step.

And at the same time, something creative opens. Like an artist might stand before a blank canvas, paintbrush in hand—open, curious, and receptive to what wants to emerge. Painting stroke by stroke.

We meet the unknown as a living canvas — open, attentive, and willing to participate in what is becoming

— the courage to co-create with what is unfolding.

Trust does not arise from certainty.
It is built on relationship — with ourselves, and with life as it unfolds.

Trust does not mean we always know what to do.

It means trusting our capacity to notice, to pause, to return to ourselves when uncertainty arises.
Gradually, this becomes less effortful.

We stop seeking security outside ourselves, and begin living from the steady presence of our own body and mind.

A quiet knowing settles in, replacing constant vigilance. Not because life has become certain,
but because we have become more available to ourselves.

We meet the unknown as a living canvas — open, attentive, and willing to participate in what is becoming.

---

A simple practice

The next time something feels uncertain, pause.

Feel your feet on the ground.
Take a slow breath.
Notice what is actually here — not the story about what might happen, but this moment.

You may still feel fear.

That’s okay.

Trust grows each time you remember you do not have to leave yourself to meet the unknown.

Trust is not something we find outside ourselves, but something we rediscover as we remember the ground beneath us was never truly gone.

Coming Home to Resilience - Together

Before I ever taught resilience, I had to learn how to come home to it myself.

For much of my early life, I moved through the world armored up—reactive, easily overwhelmed, insecure, and avoiding conflict whenever I could. What I know now is that beneath that armor was something steady that never left. True resilience.

This past week, my husband and I were invited to offer a two-hour presentation on why mindfulness matters to a peer-to-peer support group at the Boulder Police Department. It was a genuine honor to be welcomed into that room.

Given the intensity of their work, the ability to stay regulated, responsive, and fully present to what’s actually in front of us isn’t just helpful—it’s essential. And in the wider uncertainty and chaos of the times we’re living in, the importance of returning to our true nature of resilience—clarity, courage, curiosity, creativity, confidence, calm in the midst of storms, compassion, and connection—can’t be emphasized enough.

Our resilience is rarely gone; it’s more often covered over by past fears and old wounds—big and small—or by worries about what might come next. Yet in the present moment, we have more capacity than we realize. Even when things are uncomfortable or challenging, there is something in us that knows how to be with what’s here.

As I learned to return to that inner steadiness, something profound shifted. I felt more alive. I experienced more freedom. And my relationships became easier and more fulfilling. I found a greater capacity to stay with complexity, chaos, and conflict—no small thing, considering I used to be a master conflict-avoider. A very skilled ostrich, with my head firmly in the sand.

This is why I’m so passionate about relational resilience—the ability to stay centered in ourselves while remaining open and connected with others. From this place, our natural capacities for compassion, curiosity, and calm—even in the midst of conflict—can emerge.

There’s a sentence I return to whenever life starts to tighten around the edges:

Trust yourself—you’ve made it through every other hardship and hurdle you’ve faced before, so you will make it through this too.

Each time I remember it, something in my chest softens. Not because everything suddenly becomes easy, but because it points to a simple truth we often forget: our resilience doesn’t disappear in hard moments—it simply gets buried under fear, urgency, or old patterns.

In my work with clients and couples, I see how often relationships touch this very place. Not in the dramatic moments, but in the subtle ones—the misunderstandings, the tender edges, the times we’re sure we’re not being seen or met. Relational resilience isn’t about avoiding these moments; it’s about remembering ourselves inside them. It’s the capacity to stay connected to our own inner steadiness while staying open to someone we care about.

When we stay connected in this way, something shifts. We can meet what’s happening with more curiosity and less threat. We can truly hear one another—not defensively, but with understanding. And when we’re truly heard, something softens. We begin to co-regulate. We remember: we’re in this together. From there, a way forward becomes possible.

This is the heart of what we’ll explore together in The Resilience Lab: Relational Resilience on January 17 2025—how to navigate connection when things feel tight or uncertain, and how returning to yourself can strengthen the “us,” not just the “me.”

👉 Come explore what becomes possible when you stay connected to yourself—together.

Beyond the Masks: Finding Real Connection

Halloween always reminds me how different it was to grow up in the ’70s — when we roamed the neighborhood from after school until long after dark. It was a time when families were shifting from one working parent (usually Dad) to two, and we kids carried our own keys, letting ourselves in and out the front door. We made our own lunches, wandered through long stretches of unstructured time, and claimed the streets as our own little kingdom.

My parents were less than thrilled when I cut holes in one of our bedsheets so I could move about unseen — invisible, or at least free from the weight of others’ gazes and expectations. I wanted to watch without being watched. I wanted to move through the world without the ache of being noticed, but never fully seen.

I wanted to be free — anything other than the shy girl I felt myself to be. Free from the pressure to fit in or earn acceptance. I didn’t want to vanish completely, just fade enough to feel I was okay. And on Halloween night, under the glow of porch lights and the hum of neighborhood excitement, that wish felt almost possible — a small, delicious taste of freedom tucked beneath a flimsy white sheet.

Now, nearly fifty years later, as Halloween approaches, I’ve outgrown my shyness and come to appreciate my uniqueness — my ability to connect, to see and be seen, to stay curious about others. Still, every now and then, I notice a hint of a mask I’m wearing. Mine often shows up as being overly agreeable or quiet — letting people talk over me for fear of being seen as too much, too needy, too unlikeable.

If I named my mask, it would be Agreeable. These days, I usually catch it before it takes over. But when I’m tired or stretched thin — not fully resourced, centered, or grounded in my true essence — it can still slip on without my noticing. The trouble is, when I hide behind that mask, I lose what I most long for: real, deep connection.

Have you ever noticed the masks you wear in your relationships? The subtle ways we protect our hearts — by staying agreeable, withholding what we feel, or showing only what we think others want to see? Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable, yet it’s also the path to genuine connection.

If we want to grow, if we want authentic connection, if we want resilient relationships, we have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

At the heart of resilient relationships lies resilience within ourselves. It begins in the body — where life’s unfolding meets our capacity to sense, feel, and respond from a grounded, centered place. When we’re anchored there, we can move beyond the familiar stories of frustration, fear, regret, and projection. From that grounded presence, we gain greater perspective, openness, and heart-centered connection. We meet the moment fully — aware of what’s here now — and discover our truest options for moving forward.

Resilience is wholeheartedness. It’s not about avoiding difficulty but allowing life’s challenges to refine and expand us. Each moment invites us to pause, to notice our choices, and to step closer to what’s true. And when we do, our relationships begin to mirror that presence — becoming more honest, alive, and open to real connection.

---