For 48 years of my life I did not have a good relationship with my mom. In fact, there were a few times I almost wrote her out of my life. I did a ton of therapy. I learned to meditate. I read a gazillion self-help books. I took classes…
I was always searching for the answer, the right path, the solution, the equation, the prescription, or anything that would give me some peace and ease in my relationship with her.
Then I got into coaching and not only did I learn many tools to help others, but also to help myself. I spent tens of thousands of dollars on personal and professional development and I was much less angry with her. I did forgive her for what I saw as her “mistakes”. And yet, I still needed my buffers (sisters) by my side if I planned to be around her. I made sure I had my boundaries up when I went to see her. When I was 24, I moved out of Buffalo and knew I would never return to live there because it was too close to her. Still, as of December 2016, after all of the investment and work, I was, at best, only able to tolerate being around my mom.
Fast forward eight months, after learning about, and understanding, transformation, I have a very sweet, loving, and fun relationship with my mom. I feel blessed beyond belief to get to really know this woman who is my mother. I really had believed that I would go to my grave with some level of anger toward her.
However, it is now GONE. Just gone! No anger, no resentment, no ill will. Last month I was able to spend some time with her in Buffalo, alone, just mom and me. It was very sweet.
Not only that, but because I am so relaxed, my mom is now changing. She notices I am relaxed and she seems to be lighter. She is more relaxed as well. She asks me more questions, and she listens with more ease (and less interruption.) She is curious. She is more beautiful. And I am grateful beyond measure.
What is also interesting is that memories of my childhood have been changing as well. I see the past differently. I remember being happy and light more than I remember suffering. And I really see that when we were in the midst of our (many) screaming matches, we were both doing the best we could with the thinking we had in those very moments. I have much more compassion.
So what transformed our relationship so drastically and so quickly? To be honest, it was just one insight. I saw something differently. I learned something about how the mind works. I realized that whatever thinking we have in the moment is what determines how we act. And sometimes we all just have shitty, fearful, and insecure thinking. So I stopped blaming my mom and myself for what is true to all human beings: that sometimes we all just have shitty, fearful, and insecure thinking.
I also saw that memories really are just thoughts in the moment. If memories are just thoughts, and I keep reliving these thoughts, I am not even experiencing what is happening now. That means I have really no idea who my mom is today. The past is past. Memories change. So I got curious as to who my mom really is. Who is she today? She is really a lovely human being with a huge heart! Sure, she has her quirks. Me too. Don’t we all?
In some ways there is a lot more to say about this transformation of our relationship. But in some ways, there really is not much else to tell. My whole belief about my mom just disintegrated in front of my eyes. And when that cloud disappeared, I just saw my mom, filled with love and always loving and supporting me in the best way she knows how.
To have a relationship with my mom now -that I never imagined was possible- is a little bit of what I see as a miracle of transformation. I KNOW it is possible. And my inkling is, that you do too.
If you are interested in learning more, or are interested in transforming a relationship in your life, I’d be honored to have a conversation with you.
Thank you for reading.
With Much Love & Gratitude,